I was really sick for some time, just sleeping all the time and didn’t eat anything. Been better now a couple of days. Yesterday I was seeing a counselor, been awake all night doing this and that (hanging ’round online or playing Fallout New Vegas). That guy’s nice but I think too nice cause for him “it was ok” whatever I said and he just listened, but well, it was the first time I saw that person. It’s cause I can’t get off with normal sex anymore, getting worse all the time. I need to hurt others or get hurt by others and it’s going towards the extreme right now and the kids suffer. Well Shade isn’t a kid anymore but he kinda behaves like one and yeah he’s kinda my kid… The 12 years age difference… I’m a sick bastard.
Shade was worried cause I was so sick and some days couldn’t even stand and only walked to toilet and then back to bed. Yan was here too seeing us (or me) and he made food for Jay and Shade and himself, and after the dinner Jay went to his room to play with Xbox and Shade chatted with his friends online (at daytime he’s selling his ass again), and Yan was with me in my room and abused me while I was too weak to resist at all. I wouldn’t have anyways but I was so weak it kinda felt worse than it was. But I’m OK now. Our kitty scratched my neck and the wounds got infected, plus I got bruises all over my neck cause I let Yan choke me a lot. It usually doesn’t hurt it just turns me on, but now it has started to hurt somewhat. Yesterday when I was doing better I raped Jay, kinda with Shade, and parts without. He got bored quite fast and said it’s no fun cause Jay doesn’t resist and he said Jay is just like me and he needs someone new. Whatever. I had some fun with Jay. That kid is damn good. Has learned some new tricks lately, and I don’t know from whom. But I don’t care. He always comes back to me anyways.
I managed to put Christmas lights up finally, and got bitten three times by cat while doing that. Today I stepped on him in the dark and he screamed. It’s a bad sound. It hurt me probably more than him. He seemed OK like 5 mins afterwards. Didn’t even crawl under the couch like other times when he gets scared. This place is a dump cause I’ve been too sick and lazy to clean and the kids don’t do anything. Well they tidy their rooms, but that’s it. And yeah did I mention earlier that my dishwasher broke? That sucks man.
That’s my third bottle energy drink in 24 hours. I love that stuff. I needed to keep a long break cause I was sick. Shouldn’t drink so much of it. And have no sleeping pills cause I forgot to ask for them yesterday. Need to ask if I can still get them for tomorrow or if it’s too late. Calling there in about two hours when the clinic opens. Get some money on Friday so it’s the only chance. I’m going to see Ted and his family for the Christmas, just a few days. Gonna see dad too. No idea how it’s gonna be. In the phone he said I should not talk about any of the sex stuff to him, and that we should just get to know each other and take it easy. I kinda guess why he’s worried but I’m disappointed cause I had to promise and I don’t like to promise anything to anyone, and this promise I gotta keep or I lose dad again. He doesn’t wanna see my extreme side. Nobody does. Ever. Oh, except Todd. ^.^ And Shade sometimes, but right now it seems that side is too extreme for him. I can’t help it for fuck’s sake! I’m bipolar! Even Yan said to me that a feral dog must be put down (the moment he was kneeling on me with one hand choking me and one hand holding his Desert Eagle against my head). So. Fucking. What.? People out there, they don’t give a shit.
Or maybe the nice ones do, like Hypno and Ryan, but I never give them a chance to enjoy it. It’s like I’d wanted to beat the love and care out of them. 😥 Well yeah I’m trying to get help, or kinda let people help me, and kinda trying to change (or am I?) but then again I’m doing it against my own will.
Just like some nights ago when I was laying in my bed and Shinigami under my pillow and Seed beside me, and I lifted my head to look at Seed, and I was feeling really sick then and had the feeling I never get better, I was hungry and super tired and had the not-so-nice taste of the protein shakes in my mouth, AND SEED LOOKED SCARY to me. I kept staring at him and he scared me and I thought is this what other people see in guns? Is this how they get scared by them? It’s like when I felt so sick about myself hurting others. But then I slept and haven’t felt that way since. I just love them, still, all of them, even fake ones. Like, some moments the “world like other people see it” is pushing through and I see things from a victim’s point of view, or I feel like someone who gets scared when pointed at with a gun, but then my bastard nature comes back and the angel with conscience always loses.
And it’s not like I wanna change either. I just need to be able to get along with people good enough so my “special needs” won’t cause any trouble or conflict with law and order. Or Cameron coming to hit my head with a folding chair and yelling sick bastard. 😉
Fuck yeah my special needs almost got me in a fight with innocent bystanders when I went to see the mexican who lives not far from here, a rich guy, have sure mentioned him before, he’s got a nice taste of art (but listens only classical music, that old geezer). So I walked there coz it’s not far and I was in better condition then, and saw some people standing on the street chatting with one, probably a neighbor, but didn’t take much notice and walked to the door. And my unpredictable friend opens with a gun in his hand and immediately points it at my forehead and gives and order to come in. Well, those guys standing behind me saw this, and started to buzz like some fucking bees, so I needed to go back and tell them it’s just a game and I’m not in danger or anything. I went there with my casual clothes, dirty t-shirt, dirty hoodie, dirty camo pants, dirty sneakers, no socks, had nothing to cover my neck and happened to even have my sleeves up and those guys saw all the bruises I have… Yeah and my sadistic friend stands at his door watching the play and smiling. He doesn’t give a fuck what his neighbors think, he enjoyed watching me trying to explain those guys that I like to get hurt. Not sure if he planned it that way. Would be just like him… Sick freak. ;D I had hard time explaining at first but then I said I live half a mile from there and come every now and then to get fucked in the ass, and offered to give them my address that they could come and check on me. Then one of them said “you’re the guy who pulled this whole neighborhood down the drain with having your dealer come to your house every fucking night” and “think about the children” or something like that. Well, the point when I pulled out and just left them. IDK, I don’t really give a shit and I really enjoy to be humiliated and stuff, but I got a little worried because of Jay and Shade. I seem to be all the time a little worried of what becomes of them if something happens to me…
Anyways my friend there wasn’t very nice to me that day and I had to ask if I can stay until it gets dark, of obvious reasons, and he said yes but he’ll call some friends to come over and I’ll have to serve them if I wanna stay. After that day I started to get sicker, when I got home that evening I had to throw up cause those fuckers made me swallow their cum and it got in my nose and stuff. Fucking disgusting. All the long walk home I was thinking about the neighbors watching me and talking shit. My friend called me the next day and asked if I got home safe. And what do I? Thank him and his friends for being so nice to me again. IDK I fucking love that guy whatever he does to me. I just love him. Like Yan and Alan, or maybe not like Alan cause nobody is like him and nobody understands me like him, but it’s like when I see them or even talk to them on the phone they got me hooked and I’m like begging for them to hurt me, how bad I ever feel afterwards. Addiction whatever. When I’m on the extreme end like right now I have what I used to have long ago when I had this kind of periods, before I got the medication I have now, that I’m hard all the time. I remember one day long ago I was driving drunk back home from somewhere and it was painful to even move and fapping was painful. And lately I can’t get my dick up an inch if there ain’t no violence in the sex. Like, my body will give up and my organs fail before this burning stops. Been two days up from the sick bed and already pushing my body to it’s limits so hard even my brain can’t keep up. And if my brain starts failing I’ve basically passed the limits already.
I don’t know why I’m doing this. Is it part of this masochist routine? Is it a kind of drug? Endorphin and adrenaline? Like fuck it I beat the drinking habit and I try to leave the chems but get addicted to hormones instead? Or was that the original addiction and now without alcohol the ways to reach the hormone high have changed? Hmmm. Did I just realize something? ;D Hehe. Could say God I’ve been a retard to not see the pattern earlier, but don’t think I’m gonna do much about it anyway. Getting endorphin shot when pushing the body to it’s limits and getting adrenaline shot while concealed carry in a state where it’s not permitted. Daily. Sometimes with an illegal gun, in spaces like clinics, admin, church, malls… Yeah I know I’m fucking crazy. And going to jail has always been an endless adrenaline flow, at least those times I’ve been in MY PLACE D8. ^^
Black hole 