Out of time

This city is cold. Like me. We have cold hearts and public restroom neon lights shining out of our eyes. We are blood splattered on tiled floors, black trees in winter parks and dead kids in snow. We are hatred and loneliness.

At my old place now. Alone. I don’t think I’ve been alone for months. Or years.

I should’ve never been let around kids in the first place. Now I got those thoughts in my head and they’re not going away. It got real bad. Made a final update on babylog. This is it. The solution. Giving away everything. Going back to zero. Alone. Like I should be.

The stress is all gone. It vanished the moment I realized I have to do it this way. That I have to give up and I never had a chance. It was all an illusion.

I could live here alone or with Chev. Not together but close to him. I could be free again. This is what Sully promised me. I only need to say yes. I’m sure he wouldn’t have meant it exactly this way cause those rich people think in a different manner, but _he_ offered me _freedom_. At first I didn’t understand how it could work. Now I do. I have to let go. Now I understand what Chev meant when he said I looked like a trapped animal when we first met after his release. I really felt trapped. For years. I didn’t know how to get out. I dug myself a hole so deep it was impossible to get out anymore.

There’s a feeling of lightness I haven’t felt for months. I’ve been deeply depressed since dad’s diagnose. He’s at peace now. If bad people, alcoholics and child-beating assholes have a heaven he’s in there. Hope he kicks mum’s ass for me.

I still wanna work for Kelly but since he already offered me cross-country and overseas gigs I’m sure we can work something out.

This city was always my canvas. I painted here stories full of pain.

But they were MY stories.

And it was MY pain.

My life.

New horizons

Aka new work offers with great profit. Favors I need and well insured. I’m stabbing Kelly in the back by saying yes to this guy but he has connections in NB.

I’ve met someone interesting through work. He has some kind of twisted obsession about me. Weird. Still, great sex. 10/10 would fuck again and propably will. He’s on a gig alone and I was at home dealing with 2 cases of diarrhea – myself and Miah. Took a long time to get rid of it and now I got it again. Last night was that one job Stella hired me to do. Had Shade with me. He made me remember Silver Scythe and the good times we shared. God I miss that gun.

Baby is asleep now and babysitter went home. Nikki, that little faggot. But trustworthy, unlike his boss. I wouldn’t care keeping up any contact but he seems to genuinely care for Miah and they get good along. I don’t like him. Never did, but one more human contact for my girl is always welcome. This time he brought a picture book about a gay rabbit. Made by someone he knows and he got several promotional copies. I’d burn that crap but Miah loved it. So much bright colors and pages with faux fur. “Textile faux fur.” “No animal was harmed in making this book.” FFS. The pink bunny wears a rainbow shirt and a grey bear refuses to play with him until other animals come to help. The standard plot. Not very unique. Came with a rainbow ball. Just a typical “Nikki gift”. Looks like he made some Jello too.

Well, gotta admit I’m happy that so many people wanna be part of Miah’s life and help take care of her. A whole village is needed to raise a good kid. Shade was here on Saturday carving the pumpkin and we had some Chili-con-carne and pudding. Stella came by to share the story of “Purin”. It’s a chapter in the manga called Franken Fran. Can’t add a link on mobile cause my wifi has been gone for 2 weeks now. Anyway, worth a read. It’s disgusting to some extent (not the Purin story though), but actually really sweet. Fran is a sweetheart and naiively believes that her clients have only good intentions. I read it on summer. Purin is a puppy who has an accident and Fran transplants it’s brain into the body of the stereotypical creepy old man. After seeing how loyal the new Purin is, his owner, a little girl, is no longer embarrassed, but the story has a sad end. It was inspired by the story of a loyal Akita-breed dog who waited for it’s long dead owner at a railway station until it’s death. Still, another ingenuity of Japanese manga spectrum.

Should read more manga… Maybe when the wifi is back. I want to read Sidonia no Kishi, continue Ajin, re-read Franken Fran, try to find all of Blame! and there are some more. I have a list somewhere. There’s also a huge pile of bara type manga I wanna read again. Just seem to lack time somehow…

Time to call it a day. Get a snack before bed. Hopefully get some sleep too. 😪

The Weirdest Feeling

Happiness.

Would’ve never thought a little helpless bundle can change me this much. I was required to give everything and I did. What I didn’t expect was that I got even more than I gave. Feels like magic. The first year passed so quick. My little bundle grew up, started to walk, began to form words, eat more than just milk, became the happiest, friendliest little girl. She loves people and people love her. She makes my life steady. It would be a lie to say every day is full of happiness. I sure got my bad days and she too. Sometimes she won’t stop crying, refuses food and milk, hates bath and putting clothes on. On some days I just stay in bed. Or I did when the boys were here.

Tyson is moving out soon and he spent some time at Kelly’s place helping at the office, and Jay went MIA two weeks ago. I agreed to him moving out but he was required to stay in contact with a social worker and he said no, so we decided it’s better if we have no contact for the time being. He texted me after settling in. He’s living with two friends but I’ve not heard from him since. I’m not really worried. I got scolded for letting him “get away” and was told to report him missing, but there’s no need. He’ll come back when he needs help.

This week I had a job and got paid too handsomely. Me and Kenny (I was paired with him since the start) were with others following a moving target, and we were close to an abandoned building, on the move, when Art who’s directing most of the ops told us to set up shop and take aim while the other teams herded the target. Idk, weirdly Art has trusted me since I started, and Kenny is a good guy and they both give me unexpected responsibility. Mark still isn’t back. Raven was hired to train us. A nerdy creep. Art is solely running the ops. Anyway Kenny said I should be the one to shoot. This was different from other times. I had no backup. Kenny didn’t even bother bringing his rifle since there were other teams too. The thing though, I didn’t KNOW I had no backup. Would’ve propably freaked out. Art radioed that they had “the prey” cornered and I was allowed to shoot at will. Like, I propably had just five minutes before they got moving again. Good I knew nothing of the pressure. Kinda missed the perfect spot, again, but got a clean kill too, again. Yesterday Kenny calls me and tells Art decided to deny everyone else their monthly bonuses and split the pot between me and him. Reason: they were fighting like feral dogs over who should get the killshot. I’d have given the money back but I can’t or Kenny loses his part as well, and he needs it badly. It’s a big sum and I didn’t really earn it and I don’t wanna have it, but have no choice.

Yesterday we were at the beach with Stella and she went to get us ice cream and fell in the stairs and twisted her ankle. She’s been sitting in my living room with more or less bad mood all night. She wanted to pick Ray and his brother up from the airport. I went instead. Ray has been avoiding Stella and she wanted to talk it through. Well, they did, and Ray and Cloud stayed over. We were up all night talking and stuff. Tyson slept upstairs with Miah and took care of her when she woke up between 2 and 3 am like every night.

I’ve met Cloud a long time ago when he was here in some party, but time goes by and people change and we don’t get so well along anymore. He’s still the party boy and got no interest in babies or family life. He was only staying at his dad’s place cause the old man was sick. Ray was there as well. For me Cloud seemed like a spoiled, arrogant brat, a freeloader who only wants to have fun. Long time ago he was more like the cool kid, fun and energetic, social and tolerant. Much like Lee actually. And he looks much older than he is. Drugs do that to people. Happened to me too. And we’re not talking ’bout weed and natural goodies here. When you see Cloud you just know he’s a friend of hard chemicals. Synthetic party drugs. Not stuff like EVa or EC or Rainbow. He might’ve not gone the MMB way like I did, but he sure as hell went the HX way, and beyond. And unlike me he never quit.

Anyway I’m happy they left when Miah woke up around 2 hours ago. Stella limped to the guesthouse and hopefully can get some rest. Jetlag kept Ray and Cloud awake, me and Stella just chugged down a very large amount of energy drink. I still got some left but I feel pretty bad already and I’ve run out of those meds that make that bad feeling go away and calm my stomach. Gotta get some today. I’m really tired and would just like to get some sleep too. Not sure if I can without those pills. Not after 1200 ml of this stuff.

I asked Ray if he’d like to see me this weekend. He wasn’t sure yet. He was kinda tricked into coming here so I understand it if he wasn’t all that pleased. And maybe there are things I should talk through with him as well…. Maybe I still hold a grudge for what he did to Tyson and maybe it shows when I talk to him. Maybe I’m pushing all people away to protect my family. I’ve seen Shade a few times after we had a family dinner with him. I’m trying to be nice to him but it’s a long road to make amends and he doesn’t trust me yet. I haven’t really given him a reason to… I broke him to tiny little pieces and it took him years to get somewhat back to his feet. We don’t agree on most of things. But if I look deep into myself I don’t find any hate. I can’t even say I don’t like what he does for living. I just don’t care. And in a way he’s still that boy I loved. If my feeling back then could be called love in the first place. That way of life is still attractive to me. When he was sitting at my pool half naked and I saw that Miah wasn’t scared, she didn’t care Shade has scars and bruises all over. She just wanted to play with him. Maybe I’m a bit like that too?

Some things seem hazy. This was the third night up in a short time. I know I’m pushing myself to the limits again. I don’t know how to stop until I break. Maybe I should just lay down for a while…

Trash

It’s been a while. I don’t have time for a long post and will keep all the baby stuff in the babylog. She’s doing well, we’re all doing well all the troubles lately considered. Miah is almost 4 months now. On Thursday she rolled over the first time. She’s early. During summer the problems with the boys heated up again but we solved it by building a little guest house where Tyson is now living. He’s studying hard on his last high school year. He’s still a little behind of everyone else and the school isn’t exactly great… He gets no extra lessons to catch up and the school library has been closed for two years now. Water damage that nobody bothers to repair. On some lessons there are no teachers either. Lynn comes to town twice a week to give Tyson help and give classes in a community center. In a place where I have to drive my boy to. Sending him into that gang hole on bus would be really bad. He’s sensitive and physically weak and he doesn’t like violence. While going on those classes he never exits the building and always stays in the same room with the teachers.

Jay is kind of going to school as well, although his school sucks too and he’s not really interested. He only goes because there’s a chance for him to move into the guest house if Tyson goes to college (I’m putting money aside for that purpose but obviously he needs good grades too). Tyson is very motivated and that helps Jay too, but if it only helps on two days in the week the results may vary. At the moment he only goes on three days but he’s attending therapy once a week and showed some interest on the karate class that will start in his school later this year. Karate is pricy but would do good to him.

During the guest house was built and I was at the clinic for rehab the diggers cut our data cable and we were forced to rely on the mobile network until today. Jesus Christ I was going crazy already. No updates, no connection to Steam, no internet, no anime online, and no updates. Have done all that today, except playing games. All the stress also finally caused me to get sick. The flu has been going it’s rounds again so it was only a matter of time…

The time I spent at the rehab with Miah was nice… Well… Truth be told it was really nice only a few days. I tried my best this time. I really did. Those two weeks I spent at the clinic were peaceful and I got overflowing support, but they were also God awful boring. I missed being at home. This house has already become a home to me. I missed my guns. I doubted my decision to continue living here. I missed dad. I missed things I used to enjoy which have vanished from my life. Most of all I missed the drug. Everything about it, no matter how sick and depraved it made me. When my body healed the good state of my mind completely detoriated. After coming home I asked dad if I could visit him and he paid my bus ticket. Traveling with bus with a baby isn’t easy but luckily the other people onboard were understanding. A group of old ladies gave me a ton of advice. And the dude who slept wore earplugs. With dad it was like it always is but I wasn’t relaxed and didn’t really enjoy it. I kinda did but not like before. It didn’t mean anything somehow. I didn’t feel it.

Since we came back home I’ve solely focused on my battle and relied a lot on help from outside. Stella has been here a lot because after a break they are building my old house again. The buyers had a problem with the builder company or something. Stella asked me to visit the site sometimes but I think it would make me only miss that place more. The time I spent there. With Shade. Regardless of the troubles we had and the repulsive lifestyle I used to have. Alcohol, drugs, depression, violence… Things have cleared a lot since then. My attitude is more positive. It’s the only reason I’ve made it this far.

But no further. Missed the screening on Tuesday and when they called I told I quit the program. I fought so hard to get into it. I fought as hard as I could to stay in it. Since I didn’t go on Tuesday I’ve been fighting alone at home. I have a variety of drugs at home at this very moment, have had since Monday evening, but haven’t touched it, not even unwrapped it. Stashed it into the nighttable drawer. That’s all. I think I still have a chance. I was given a week to think about my decision. I keep telling myself it’s all voluntary. I’m not on rehab by court order. There are billions of parents with addiction who treat their kids much worse. I can do it with addiction. If I focus on my kids and keep myself healthy I can do it. It’s so fucking horrible to know that all this is bullshit, but keep telling yourself the same lies all over again to justify the drug use. Cause I know, I’ve been here before and I know goddamn well how it ends. No matter what I tell myself now, it matters nothing when I’m neck deep in shit again and have no money for food or baby milk cause I fucking shot it up my arm again.

I don’t know how I’ve made it to Saturday evening on my own power. I feel horrible. This craving is horrible. The relief is so close – and so far. I don’t know what it is that keeps me from reaching for that drawer. Maybe the thought of six years in future, the fear of not seeing Miah grow up and go to school. Become teenager, have her first crush, first date, graduate college, marry, have kids… I don’t think the same way about my boys. Idk why. Maybe bc the reason why I take care of them is different. God I feel awful right now. I’m nothing but trash.

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Heh, I still like stuff as above but it’s only prominent in the type of porn I watch and I keept that completely separated from real life. I only watch porn on mobile and kids have no access to my tab. They have no access to my pc either. I check their phones and stuff every now and then but they are not stupid (at least not “level Shade” stupid…) and generally they don’t go looking for anything extreme. It’s more often than once that they come to me bc they were scared by something they found by accident, and I always tell them to stay away from anything that is scary, because there’s always worse than that. I know. Been there myself. There’s still stuff I see that makes me wince. On the blogs I visit regularly. In what appears on my dash in Tumblr. I just scroll by without giving it a thought but sometimes it comes into my dreams. Sometimes things that scare me are so deep inside that they only manifest as a panic attack triggered by seemingly nothing. Agreed that often those things are rooted in the sexual experiences I’ve been put through. I tend to shrug it all away like it’s nothing but if you dig deep enough I’m just an abused child who turned out “the bad way”.

Anyway. Think it’s time to quit this. I’m getting real tired and my head hurts from staring at the screen. I seem to have developed a slight fever too. I’ll update the babylog tomorrow. Put there some nicer pics than what I put here. Unless someone else around here likes this stuff as well. In that case, hello there fellow sick bastards! 😉 I’ll be back later, hopefully sooner than last time.

How many times

This blog is as good as dead but we thought we might wanna revive it. Me and my family. There’s four of us now living in a house that was built for 2. Many things have changed. I’m still battling my addiction, I have good days and bad days and my mind is fragile. Still, deep under all the troubles I’ve grown satisfied with my life. I don’t mind the battle. I don’t mind trying all over again, or failing, or the mood swings. This year has been real tough but I’m not giving up and through all the shit that has hit the fan I can see a peaceful future. Or sort of. I’m broke all the time and have borrowed so much money from people I can never it back. I was able to some months ago, but not anymore. Not since Miah came to my life.

I brought her home yesterday. A month after she was born in that shithole next to Pyro’s place. I don’t wanna talk about it. It just sucked real bad. I tried to help her mum but she didn’t care. When I noticed that I just took the baby and went home with her. In the evening her body temperature sank and she wouldn’t cry, but was awake. She was in ER for weeks. She was born with heroin addiction and there was no-one to pay for the hospital bills. She would’ve died. I thought back then that maybe I can make something good and help her and give her a better life than I got. I don’t know why, guess there was some “help from above”, the adoption papers went through within days. Her mother was arrested for neglect and attempted manslaughter and some bitches killed her in jail. End of that story. For the last month I’ve spent more time in hospital than in all my life together. They even set up a bed for me since I spent days and nights there.

First she just laid in the isolation box, wired up, but since they allowed me to hold her and feed her that was basically what I was doing. Me and Tyson went shopping and bought a crib that has a seat and is like a rocking chair and I had it in hospital. First Miah got scared but now she likes it. The faster the better. I let Tyson and Jay do it too. They get to feed her and hold her carefully. I’m happy to see them excited. After she had survived nearly two weeks the nurse asked me what name she should write on her health card, and I said Miah. Miah Erin. She was christened in the hospital chapel. The next day I got a call about her mother’s passing. Idk, kinda feel a bit bad for her. Wished that she would some time come to understand life and I would’ve wanted Miah to know her mother.

Right now Tyson and Jay are sharing the small bedroom downstairs (it was their idea) and Miah has her new crib in my room at the eastern wall. It’s like the image below but has no mattress under it and is only 2-in-1. The image is stolen from Sears website.

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Beside the crib we have a white sideboard for Miah’s clothes and diapers and stuff. It has a changing table lid that can be pulled over it. First time me and Jay put it together the lid fell off from unknown reason (discount price tag I suppose). Had to fix it with new screws and corner supports, kinda looks rough but holds even a toddler. Proven and tested with packs of flour, sugar, milk and that endless supply of baby milk and gruel. I’ve got a lot of toys from Erin and Maryam and Stella, and Stella and Tyson bought bottles and pacifiers and whole lot of other stuff I didn’t think about. Also have this:

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Miah is too small to sleep in the crib yet so she sleeps next to me in my bed. Stella said I’m overprotective. 😐 Had this summer/travel basket in the hospital and she slept in it next to me when I stayed overnight. During the day when she takes a nap upstairs I put this into the crib, and when we’re downstairs we can place her anywhere. It’s way too hot outside but in the evening we open the living room walls and sit on the deck. Jay and Tyson play app games or read or listen to music and I just sit there and watch the unfinished garden or sky or keep an eye on Miah.

The pool is built but is missing finish, it has all kinds of blue tiles but they need some kind of sealing lacquer. There’s a giant hole where the water preparation tank and pump comes but pipes to the basement were laid when the house was built. On the eastern side are some bushes and ready to plant flower areas outlined with big and small stones. The garden is pretty slim actually and the pool takes the biggest part of it. The west side has those big trees, bamboo and banana and palm trees that grow at the hillside. I think they actually belong to someone cause one day I was walking around the garden trying to find rocks in the grass and throwing them back to poolside I saw a woman who was down at the street cutting leaves out of a banana tree. She had a huge pile of them. She was digging out bamboo sprouts too. Maybe she ate those? Anyway, on the west side there’s just grass and the BobCat throws there stones all the time. The garden is not finished mainly because they couldn’t fit a full sized bulldozer down the tiny path that comes down the hill at the very southern edge of the garden and it was too heavy to be lift by a crane. On Saturday Jay climbed on the BobCat and taped a flag to it. Kelly asked us to join his BBQ but I was at the hospital and the boys didn’t wanna go alone. I had Miah wrapped on a flag towel though. We made a little walk to the cafeteria like we often did and celebrated with the staff and some patients. Miah had perfectly warmed milk, I had a Coke and the insides of a burger, and everybody else had burgers and donuts. We watched tv and talked about gun control. Sheesh some people are real twats when it comes to getting their will through at the cost of everyone. “You’d want your child to be safe at school too”. Yeah, that’s why I’ll teach her to properly handle and use firearms as soon as she shows interest in them, and encourage any teacher I come across to carry a gun.

Sigh. This will be a topic all the time when Miah grows up. Unfortunately. But I can’t and wouldn’t force anyone to any opinion because that’s exactly what the gun control advocates do and I won’t lower myself on their level. Continuing with something nicer. On the kitchen side of the garden there’s a small herb garden just like in my old house. We don’t have many plants yet, 5 or 6, and they’re small, but they smell good. There’s a tiny bench and a path of big flat stones leads to the poolside.

One day, maybe two and half weeks back, I came home in the evening real tired and scared cause Miah stopped breathing during the check-up and I suffered a severe panic attack. Stella was at home with the boys and they said they had a surprise for me, and I was so tired I just couldn’t have cared at all, but they showed me a place next to the bench in the herb garden, a higher pile of earth surrounded with glittering stones, lava stones and pretty much every variety you can find at a garden supply. Stella said that in some countries when a baby is born the parents plant a tree for the baby. I didn’t know about that. There was no tree, but we went and bought one the next day. Now there’s a tiny little western redbud growing and doing extremely well. And it feels like that was somehow meant to be. Like the way Miah got her name. It’s from a beautiful song.

We have a few indoor plants but they’re just scraping by. The kitchen is a giant mess. Stella and Tyson cleaned it up for me some two, three weeks ago but I’ve been too busy/tired. Been up all night doing this and that and enjoying the silence. And this way I don’t need to wake up to the annoying sound of a hungry baby. Nah, I feel happy every time I can feed her. Gotta wash dishes and clothes and do some general cleaning today. It’s 5am now. After doing chores I need to go buy some more baby milk and wet towels. One whole pack of those towels during the first day and night. I’ll go for the discount ones this time. Well, we did waste some and Jay used them to clean the sunscreen off his arms and legs and I dropped 5 at once when Miah kicked me in the face. That’s what you get by crouching while taking off diapers. People are asking how do I know so much about baby care and stuff. TV, my friends, TV and books. And internet. And logic. Watching how other people do it.

Guess I gotta get back to work before Miah wakes up again. I have a baby radio. Was the first thing I bought. Could take her with me but don’t wanna wake her up. Washing dishes per hand makes a lot of noise. Getting a dishwasher next month. Yeah forgot to mention, it broke while I was living in hospital and yesterday after coming home I found out that the fridge is broken too. I have two freezers. Can’t believe the boys didn’t even notice. Half the stuff inside was frozen stone hard. Posting a couple of things I’d like to buy soon. We’ll need a stroller and we’re living with a borrowed car seat. It’s Lynn’s and it stinks like a dog pooped in it. These pics are all from Sears, just examples of the sort of colors and design I’m looking for. They have good stuff but the prices hurt me already. I’d like to have good stuff for Miah but I might not be able to afford it in everything. The stroller and car seat should be good quality, as well as all the other seats and furniture that require high safety standards, but decoration and blankets and that stuff doesn’t.

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Aww, you must think I’ve gone nuts. Sat here an hour looking for baby clothes I can’t afford to buy. I can’t imagine how it’ll will be when she grows up. We’re just living one day at the time. ^.^

Injured toxic slut looking to get laid

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First blogging on mobile. I’m injured but I’m sick of talking about it. Everybody freaked out and I lost my job. The other asshole there tried to kill me. I’ll just post pics now. Kinda. I’m so high I’m not capable of anything else. But no pain. I talked with dad in phone a bit. Gotta visit old home soon, meet old friends etc. Visit places that mean something to me.

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Been a slave to porn for a long while. My tumblr is just rebloggin porn. Sometimes I write something but my life rather chaotic atm. No cash, being with Pyro, getting laid with whoever wants a toxic slut. Living with Pyro in his crappy room with a bed full of lice. Almost. But, I don’t care. I had relative success in rehab but this week hit me hard and now I’m back to where I was like a month ago. Whatever.

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Lovely little baby Seed. ❤

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And another little darling. I wanna get fucked hard but no idea who to ask. Nobody wants to come up here in Kellys place. Maybe Lloyd? I saw him so he should be home. I want a gang rape. LOL. They can be as rough and mean as they want. Lloyd is a spineless wimp but he won’t be able to resist if his place is abused as a gang rape scene. Hehe. Guess I’m feeling better. All I want is a dick up my ass and another one in my mouth. That’s what I was born for… ^^

Restless

Like every spring and autumn. Feels like I can’t stay in any place. Have to keep on the move. It’s in the cold fresh air. In the raindrops and morning dew, and wind at night. I follow my own life with distress and worry. All decisions I’ve ever made have been wrong.

But maybe I was born to live this way like it often feels. This is for me. I’ve felt restless like this since I was a kid. Something dark started to move inside of me every spring and autumn. It gave me strength. It made me unbreakable. Meds and drugs make the feeling go away for a little while but then it comes back ever stronger. Can’t think clearly. It’s pure animal instinct. Last few years it’s been getting really strong. When I lived in the warm and wealth in sunny California it stayed away more and got weaker. Moving back to NB was a huge mistake, it ruined my life. In that insight, moving to LA in the first place was a huge mistake too. Can’t take that back though.

Now I’m going back to LA again. I like to be on the move. A trucker kid picked me up yesterday. Them modern trucks have nice big space to live in. This kid got a rifle and a shotgun hidden there. Well prepared. Inherited the business when his dad died. Makes living for himself and his mum. Good kid, straightforward, honest, doesn’t cheat. Knows the other guy who brought me to NB some weeks ago, like, it’s easier to talk to another gay guy and share thoughts those others would despise. 😉 At first I hesitated when the kid said he’d drive me, but maybe it’s better this way. My damn sex addiction has gotten pretty bad lately. Now I try rehab once again and should quit with reckless sex too.

Have no idea where I’m gonna stay in LA. Talked with dad in phone a couple of days ago and we decided that I’ll sell the Vegas house. He had been staying there with Dan, and Dan had taken my cat to live with him when dad was on the move too. They had big fight over me. Dan thinks we shouldn’t be so close together, he thinks I’m stealing my dad from him. Then dad had called him a gutless wimp and so on. He wasn’t happy when telling me. He really likes Dan and wishes they could overcome the difficulties. He offered to buy the house from me, but he can never pay the full worth, and not at once, and I need to find me some cheap flat in LA. I wished I could get a house like my old one, but those times are over… *sigh*

Now I’m sitting in an internet cafe that serves food, have a plate with good cheap gluten free and vegetarian pasta, paid with money that isn’t mine. My “driver” bought me food and here I can load my phone and tablet and have free wifi. The kid went to buy some stuff for his truck and he knows someone here. We’ll stay overnight at the truck stop outside the city and continue tomorrow. He said I could drive while he sleeps, but my hands shake too much. And after the shot I can’t focus on the street.

He’s from Texas. Speaks in a funny way. 🙂 Talks quite a lot. Said he drives anything, 24/7/52. He even drives toxic waste (without licence) cause it pays well. And the companies provide fake papers for the case he gets stopped. We got a pretty heavy load hanging in the ass and need to stop often. I think it’s gonna take forever till I’m “home”. But maybe it’s good that way. Got time to think. Enjoy the freedom.

The reason why I have not been updating is that it’s just simpler to post short notes to Tumblr and reblog porn, than actually sit down to write. Laziness. And typing for long on touch screen goes on my nerves. Think I’m laying down soon. Feel good after a good meal. Could even take the rest with me. It’s not much but it’ll be a nice little meal tomorrow when I’m hungry again. Need to pay back somehow, but the kid hasn’t figured out yet how. I can’t do really much. Too weak to help working. :/

Read what I wrote while eating and figured the kid is driving toxic waste right now. LOL. Sorry, bad joke. xP

Yeah, have been missing my old house a lot these days. And the life I once had. All the good sides it had. Watching sunsets on patio. Windy, dark winter nights alone in the living room, drinking and slashing my arms. Raping Tyson for the first time on the bathroom floor. My view turning all blurry when I beat up Shade. Watching his bloody face while raping him afterwards. Birdy sitting at the kitchen table, staring in the air, small and skinny and bruised. When I came home from a date with Yan or Alan, I could barely walk, kids were scared and I was scared to look into the mirror. First scars on my left arm. The asshole who broke in and stabbed me in the right shoulder. Yeah, all the bad things actually.

It’s a long while ago, I had just come to LA then, I was together with a guy who was in a band. I learned to know Erin and Kelly through him. He was a nice guy, too nice for me. When I broke up with him I said I couldn’t bear the niceness. For me there’s no such thing than equality. And when I think about it (and remember all the ads I’ve seen about “it’s not sex when she yells no” LOL) I’ve never had real sex with anyone. It’s always been rape, one way or the other. I don’t know any other way. And don’t WANT to know. It’s fine this way. People seem to have a problem with how I see this thing. They get jumpy when I show no emotion about the stuff I’ve done to Shade and the others. Hey I just don’t feel anything. Should I fake it or what? Sure, there are times when I’m unstable and hurt and stuff, but it never lasts very long. There are times when the “being an asshole” really strikes in, but I never learn anything. After the feeling fades I go back to what used to be before. Nothing changes. Then people get mad and say I always break my promises. As if I’d remember I ever promised anything. Short memory. I can say I never hurt you again, but I’ve forgotten it the second you walk out the door.

OK I’m quitting now. Can’t focus anymore. Need my relief. BBW.