Making love to the sound of the wind

The original craving finally sated. But it’s not enough. Never enough. My body hurts, it bleeds, my head goes spinning when I try to stand, my ears go deaf when he hits me. But I keep pressing, going further, pushing the limits. Nothing’s enough. Every moment I long for more even when my body fails. I call him dad but he hasn’t been my dad in so long time, maybe never, that the meaning of that word has faded. I love his touch but I know my craving will never be fully sated with anything anyone can do. I will get myself killed sooner than later if I keep doing this. But can’t stop either. I could start taking drugs again cause that’s the only way out of this sick spiral of lust. But then I lose all logic function and stop caring and just sit home taking that shit. I need to do something. This is killing me. He’s not being nice. I can’t trust my own senses, not even my own thought. I feel that I like this but this is bad for me. I think dad knows me too good or something because I can’t pull myself free alone. I should call someone and ask for help.

Every night, how bad I ever hurt, when I lay down next to him I want his arms touching me. I want to struggle to free myself from his iron grip and fail. Every night we make love to the sound of the wind. He chokes me and bites me, I struggle, scratch, try to bite back. Then he pulls off his belt and beats me with it. Every time he does I tell him I love him and he laughs and calls me his.

This is not like with the other guys who are violent. Dad keeps me locked into this old shitty house. He took me out shopping yesterday to humiliate me when he noticed I’m afraid of other people seeing me like this. Just some food and drinks but too many people everywhere. Too many eyes. Every single one looking at me when I walk hunched over as close to dad as I can, trying to hide my face under the hood and my hands in the sleeves, having trouble to stand straight. Of course dad was smiling like being super nice and like boasting to everyone that he has guts to show his bitch around like that. Well the old jerk has not really had a chance to do that ever before… Might as well let him enjoy it for a while… ^^

Some people asked if I was alright but I said nothing (apparently I should’ve been nice and answered them myself cause I got my ass kicked for not doing so) and dad had to say I’m OK and just got in a fight. He was told to bring me to hospital but he kept saying I’m OK and smiling like stupid. I was so happy when we got the groceries and were out of there. Some people even followed us out and stared at me all the time. I HATE THAT. I know how I look like. I know it’s bad. But I can’t really hide here all my life. We talked last night about me going home, but not gonna happen if I look like this and when I can’t even stand, but if I stay I ain’t getting any better cause he keeps beating me up every day. Some of his friends coming over later so he went to buy some more beer and I’m now alone for a while. With a permission to use his PC this time. After he caught me the last time I was online (he saw me leaving his room) he kept me in handcuffs and on a leash a whole day and didn’t even let me pee alone.

I wait for him to come back… And those friends. How will they be, what they wanna do, what they say about how I look like. My skin isn’t really skin colored anymore, got so many bruises. Kinda good there are no mirrors. Sitting kinda hurts. Not really inside the ass, I’m used to a lot of traffic down there. Btw, dad asked how many guys I had in my life and told him must be hundreds coz I lost count yeeeeeeaaars ago. 😉 I don’t care what people think. I know I’m a little slut but I’m happy to be one and that I can make so many guys happy. ^^ Some of them say I’m cute but I don’t consider myself any form of pretty. Mostly I think I only look good when someone beat me up and I hate to look into mirror on a normal day. I wish I could have more cuts now. Dad only made a few, but before I was waiting for my new knife and here I have not a blade sharp enough. I did ask dad for a razorblade but he punched me in the face for asking.

Come on, it’s taking way too long. What does it take this long to buy beer and get those friends over? I’m bored and I need a dick to suck. 😀 If he went to fuck some other whore I’m gonna stab him with a butter knife. He’s mine. Well I think I’m gonna get the kitchen knife and cut myself a bit. Let’s see what he says about that. I’ll tell him I did it because I was bored. ^^ Just now it’s only about pissing him off enough to “really” hurt me. So much I will cry or lose consciousness. And kinda showing him he can’t damage me whatever he does coz I can damage myself more. Or what he does doesn’t hurt. Or I can laugh at him like that. I wouldn’t dare to laugh him to his face but self harm is kinda laughing too. Anyone see my logic? 😉

There are some things I’d love him to do but I’ve not dared to ask. Maybe if I carve the question on my skin? Or let him find me doing those things myself. Oh lord that’d get him mad, for sure. That gives me an idea. 😉 Let’s see if I have enough time left before he comes home. ^^

Christmas with dad

Can’t stay for long. If dad catches me on his PC I don’t know what he’ll do. He told me I should leave his stuff alone but he took my tab, and all my other stuff, and locked them into the closet in the guest bedroom. It’s been an odd holiday. Last Sunday I went to see Ted and greeted his family, then dad came to pick me up and we drove to his new house. A green wooden little house way up in the North. Close to where the farming land begins. It’s pretty cold even when it’s mostly just raining and windy. I’ve spent most of my days up in the big bedroom beneath the roof. There’s no mirrors anywhere but I saw my reflection in the window. Dad gave me great presents. I love him so much. He makes me feel so good. Some guys have been visiting us. Dad says they only come to see me. I can’t seem to catch on some of my brain right now. It’s like someone put a lock there that keeps me from thinking much. I just do what dad tells me to do and I can talk pretty much anything to him, but when I try to think, especially that what I’m doing here is wrong and might hurt others, my brain suddenly becomes all fuzzy and shuts down. Then I just end up thinking about sex. I like the sound of the wind in the bedroom. It’s difficult to sleep because I have stress and I feel quite bad. Depressed. That’s why I always tell dad and those other guys they don’t need to hold back with me. It’s easier to fall asleep when I hurt so much I can’t move. Dad didn’t let me have my gun in the bed. I have Shinigami with me. But dad has a gun too and he lets me keep it under my pillow. Sometimes I think I might have gone too far this time. But I’m not broken. It’s not like they try to break me or “really” hurt me. And dad said I’m the first person in a really long time who cured his limp dick problem. Not completely, but for most part. He’s old, he just needs to rest in between.

Damnit, I think he’s coming back. He just went to buy smokes. Need to put everything in the right place so he doesn’t find out I was online. BBL.

Dream a little dream

I was really sick for some time, just sleeping all the time and didn’t eat anything. Been better now a couple of days. Yesterday I was seeing a counselor, been awake all night doing this and that (hanging ’round online or playing Fallout New Vegas). That guy’s nice but I think too nice cause for him “it was ok” whatever I said and he just listened, but well, it was the first time I saw that person. It’s cause I can’t get off with normal sex anymore, getting worse all the time. I need to hurt others or get hurt by others and it’s going towards the extreme right now and the kids suffer. Well Shade isn’t a kid anymore but he kinda behaves like one and yeah he’s kinda my kid… The 12 years age difference… I’m a sick bastard.

Shade was worried cause I was so sick and some days couldn’t even stand and only walked to toilet and then back to bed. Yan was here too seeing us (or me) and he made food for Jay and Shade and himself, and after the dinner Jay went to his room to play with Xbox and Shade chatted with his friends online (at daytime he’s selling his ass again), and Yan was with me in my room and abused me while I was too weak to resist at all. I wouldn’t have anyways but I was so weak it kinda felt worse than it was. But I’m OK now. Our kitty scratched my neck and the wounds got infected, plus I got bruises all over my neck cause I let Yan choke me a lot. It usually doesn’t hurt it just turns me on, but now it has started to hurt somewhat. Yesterday when I was doing better I raped Jay, kinda with Shade, and parts without. He got bored quite fast and said it’s no fun cause Jay doesn’t resist and he said Jay is just like me and he needs someone new. Whatever. I had some fun with Jay. That kid is damn good. Has learned some new tricks lately, and I don’t know from whom. But I don’t care. He always comes back to me anyways.

I managed to put Christmas lights up finally, and got bitten three times by cat while doing that. Today I stepped on him in the dark and he screamed. It’s a bad sound. It hurt me probably more than him. He seemed OK like 5 mins afterwards. Didn’t even crawl under the couch like other times when he gets scared. This place is a dump cause I’ve been too sick and lazy to clean and the kids don’t do anything. Well they tidy their rooms, but that’s it. And yeah did I mention earlier that my dishwasher broke? That sucks man.

That’s my third bottle energy drink in 24 hours. I love that stuff. I needed to keep a long break cause I was sick. Shouldn’t drink so much of it. And have no sleeping pills cause I forgot to ask for them yesterday. Need to ask if I can still get them for tomorrow or if it’s too late. Calling there in about two hours when the clinic opens. Get some money on Friday so it’s the only chance. I’m going to see Ted and his family for the Christmas, just a few days. Gonna see dad too. No idea how it’s gonna be. In the phone he said I should not talk about any of the sex stuff to him, and that we should just get to know each other and take it easy. I kinda guess why he’s worried but I’m disappointed cause I had to promise and I don’t like to promise anything to anyone, and this promise I gotta keep or I lose dad again. He doesn’t wanna see my extreme side. Nobody does. Ever. Oh, except Todd. ^.^ And Shade sometimes, but right now it seems that side is too extreme for him. I can’t help it for fuck’s sake! I’m bipolar! Even Yan said to me that a feral dog must be put down (the moment he was kneeling on me with one hand choking me and one hand holding his Desert Eagle against my head). So. Fucking. What.? People out there, they don’t give a shit.

Or maybe the nice ones do, like Hypno and Ryan, but I never give them a chance to enjoy it. It’s like I’d wanted to beat the love and care out of them. 😥 Well yeah I’m trying to get help, or kinda let people help me, and kinda trying to change (or am I?) but then again I’m doing it against my own will.

Just like some nights ago when I was laying in my bed and Shinigami under my pillow and Seed beside me, and I lifted my head to look at Seed, and I was feeling really sick then and had the feeling I never get better, I was hungry and super tired and had the not-so-nice taste of the protein shakes in my mouth, AND SEED LOOKED SCARY to me. I kept staring at him and he scared me and I thought is this what other people see in guns? Is this how they get scared by them? It’s like when I felt so sick about myself hurting others. But then I slept and haven’t felt that way since. I just love them, still, all of them, even fake ones. Like, some moments the “world like other people see it” is pushing through and I see things from a victim’s point of view, or I feel like someone who gets scared when pointed at with a gun, but then my bastard nature comes back and the angel with conscience always loses.

And it’s not like I wanna change either. I just need to be able to get along with people good enough so my “special needs” won’t cause any trouble or conflict with law and order. Or Cameron coming to hit my head with a folding chair and yelling sick bastard. 😉

Fuck yeah my special needs almost got me in a fight with innocent bystanders when I went to see the mexican who lives not far from here, a rich guy, have sure mentioned him before, he’s got a nice taste of art (but listens only classical music, that old geezer). So I walked there coz it’s not far and I was in better condition then, and saw some people standing on the street chatting with one, probably a neighbor, but didn’t take much notice and walked to the door. And my unpredictable friend opens with a gun in his hand and immediately points it at my forehead and gives and order to come in. Well, those guys standing behind me saw this, and started to buzz like some fucking bees, so I needed to go back and tell them it’s just a game and I’m not in danger or anything. I went there with my casual clothes, dirty t-shirt, dirty hoodie, dirty camo pants, dirty sneakers, no socks, had nothing to cover my neck and happened to even have my sleeves up and those guys saw all the bruises I have… Yeah and my sadistic friend stands at his door watching the play and smiling. He doesn’t give a fuck what his neighbors think, he enjoyed watching me trying to explain those guys that I like to get hurt. Not sure if he planned it that way. Would be just like him… Sick freak. ;D I had hard time explaining at first but then I said I live half a mile from there and come every now and then to get fucked in the ass, and offered to give them my address that they could come and check on me. Then one of them said “you’re the guy who pulled this whole neighborhood down the drain with having your dealer come to your house every fucking night” and “think about the children” or something like that. Well, the point when I pulled out and just left them. IDK, I don’t really give a shit and I really enjoy to be humiliated and stuff, but I got a little worried because of Jay and Shade. I seem to be all the time a little worried of what becomes of them if something happens to me…

Anyways my friend there wasn’t very nice to me that day and I had to ask if I can stay until it gets dark, of obvious reasons, and he said yes but he’ll call some friends to come over and I’ll have to serve them if I wanna stay. After that day I started to get sicker, when I got home that evening I had to throw up cause those fuckers made me swallow their cum and it got in my nose and stuff. Fucking disgusting. All the long walk home I was thinking about the neighbors watching me and talking shit. My friend called me the next day and asked if I got home safe. And what do I? Thank him and his friends for being so nice to me again. IDK I fucking love that guy whatever he does to me. I just love him. Like Yan and Alan, or maybe not like Alan cause nobody is like him and nobody understands me like him, but it’s like when I see them or even talk to them on the phone they got me hooked and I’m like begging for them to hurt me, how bad I ever feel afterwards. Addiction whatever. When I’m on the extreme end like right now I have what I used to have long ago when I had this kind of periods, before I got the medication I have now, that I’m hard all the time. I remember one day long ago I was driving drunk back home from somewhere and it was painful to even move and fapping was painful. And lately I can’t get my dick up an inch if there ain’t no violence in the sex. Like, my body will give up and my organs fail before this burning stops. Been two days up from the sick bed and already pushing my body to it’s limits so hard even my brain can’t keep up. And if my brain starts failing I’ve basically passed the limits already.

I don’t know why I’m doing this. Is it part of this masochist routine? Is it a kind of drug? Endorphin and adrenaline? Like fuck it I beat the drinking habit and I try to leave the chems but get addicted to hormones instead? Or was that the original addiction and now without alcohol the ways to reach the hormone high have changed? Hmmm. Did I just realize something? ;D Hehe. Could say God I’ve been a retard to not see the pattern earlier, but don’t think I’m gonna do much about it anyway. Getting endorphin shot when pushing the body to it’s limits and getting adrenaline shot while concealed carry in a state where it’s not permitted. Daily. Sometimes with an illegal gun, in spaces like clinics, admin, church, malls… Yeah I know I’m fucking crazy. And going to jail has always been an endless adrenaline flow, at least those times I’ve been in MY PLACE D8. ^^

Cathedral of The Darkness

That’s one of my all time favorite movies. And the song perfectly fits that place I’m gonna tell about now. The Cathedral of The Darkness. Shade and his former gang used to go there. Some homeless people lived there. Last time I was there, when Stella was here and Shade sought refuge in there cause he didn’t wanna Stella to see he was hurt (by me), it was all abandoned. I hope the city ain’t gonna rip it down. It’s a beautiful place.

It’s an abandoned business park Northeast of the city. Surrounded by water and trees. Offices and factory sites, the atriums filled with pools of water and square boulders and small trees. Inside one factory hall is this place the kids used as a skate park. It has low ceiling and in the back the building is collapsed, some people have brought in tree trunks and benches and made a large fireplace there, and it’s surrounded by those square stone pools with water dropping down from above, and corners to hide in and sleep safely in. I always thought those lively kids didn’t belong down there. I went there alone when I wanted to be in peace, listened to music and took drugs, when I was feeling bad. The atmosphere helped me to cope. Dark and mystical.

I’m not really stable right now. After the last post I’ve written a couple of letter with dad, and last weekend he called me and we talked some time. I will write more about that when I get to know more of him. Til now he feels to me like a total stranger. He’s on rehab, been since after he sobered up after he caused all that yelling at Granny’s house. He said he feels ashamed and he thought I’d never answer to his letter, so he was relieved to receive mine, but he asked me to not to talk about the time when we lived together. I understand it’s hard for him too, but I have processed those memories, and he should too, to be able to move forward. He said he’s very sorry he left me and ran away with that other woman when I was in jail, and when I was released and went home a new family was living there and I had no place to go. It was a cold winter night and I had summer clothes and had to sleep under the bridge. I felt so miserable then, but that feeling and the situation forced me to survive, be strong and be tough. I probably would’ve been killed by some jerk by now if that night hadn’t been. So in a way I’m thankful. It’s better after he apologized, too.

I ordered a new knife as a present for myself. Hasn’t arrived yet, most likely won’t be here until after Christmas. The damn holiday is paralyzing the whole world. I asked dad to come to visit us on Christmas but he doesn’t know yet if he will. I wish he would. I’d be happy. I’ve been feeling a bit low, stressed by everything, angry but too tired to get any relief from physical work. That is, I’ve not been working, and thus not getting any money, and have had to spend all my savings I had gathered. A small amount. I need more now when Jay is here, and we have a cat AND the fishes. I’ve been skipping meals so that the boys can eat and I’m feeling sick all the time and my body doesn’t digest the food I eat, and it’s bad quality. And sometimes even gone bad.

Yes and I have not beaten up anyone in a long time. Today I checked the security of my PC and our home network cause I don’t want Jay to have access on mine or Shade’s personal data, and I found a couple of links Shade had not yet secured with password, and I looked what they were… Well I maybe shouldn’t have. They were blogs from guys who self harm. Even worse stuff than what I’ve seen with Shade. Told him right away that he should secure them. I have nothing against him watching stuff like that but it made me sick for a short time. Then I got hooked and it started to trigger me. Fuck. Now I’ve been thinking about cutting myself for hours. I have half decided to do it soon again. Should I wait until I get my new knife? Let him taste blood before anything else? Like baptizing him with blood… I will definitely do that…

Shade never quit. I did because I needed to look like sane and healthy, and I didn’t feel it anymore really. It was just an annoying addiction. Now I feel like I can never stop. Shade said it’s so big part of him being him that he can’t quit. He likes it too much. He’s got lots of scars, some pretty bad, but rather long and thin, and he always has fresh cuts over the scars. And he doesn’t care if people see. And to be honest I like to see him like that. ^^ I still got the feeling deep down somewhere. I just try to suppress it. What I didn’t tell Shade is that I saved one of the blogs in my links and check on it every few hours. Then I feel like I could shoot myself in the leg again and cut my body and be that pathetic mess I used to be so many years. So what if people dislike it and think I’m crazy and sick. I’m fucking addicted.

Whatever, some pics to finish it up for tonight. Gonna scratch myself with my combat knife. ^^